Stand Up and Breathe Deeply

That's how an old boss of mine used to start meetings: "Everybody stand up and breathe deeply. Good! Breathe again."

He had been in the military, so he knew how to issue an order that people would follow, even if it was a little unusual in business settings.

Breath is also one important part of rapport.

In NLP, we use rapport, such as matching another person's breathing rate and depth, as a starting place in helping someone get what they really want. Without rapport, it's difficult to help much.

The Hawaiian culture, where I just spent an extended vacation, knows a lot about breathing. The word "ha" means breath and is also the number 4. Ha is in the word for family (ohana) and thank you (mahalo). The word aloha is used to say "I love you," "goodbye," and "hello." On the islands, the word aloha is often pronounced, "ah-low-hhhhaaaaaa," to emphasize the breath at the end.

After spending a month in the land of deep breathing and easy rapport, I ended up back at a typical work meeting on a Monday, on the mainland.

Fifteen people were sitting around a table.... not breathing! Their chests were not moving. When they talked, they were gasping for air between sentences. After about 20 minutes, people began yawning huge, gaping yawns. How did I never notice this before?

Technically, you could say that these folks were in rapport, right? They were not breathing in very similar ways to each other.

But looking around at their faces, they weren't enjoying themselves or engaged, even though we were discussing a project that could save everyone at the table a lot of time and hassle.

And it became instantly obvious why this group often complains about stress and boredom. Spending an hour with your colleagues and holding your breath -- regardless of what decisions were made -- would be incredibly stressful to the body. And not breathing much would certainly prevent you from engaging with the discussion much. It was as if the group was hunkering down for the meeting, hoping it would end as soon as possible.

If you literally couldn't breathe during a meeting, wouldn't you want it to end as soon as possible?

I decided to try a small experiment.

I started to breathe deeply and quietly.

I certainly felt more relaxed, but now I was out of sync with the group. The guy next to me, for whatever reason, started breathing deeply with me immediately.

Most of the conversation was happening between 3 people (unfortunately typical for a 15 person meeting!). If I could unconsciously encourage one or two of them to breathe a little more, maybe the room would follow. Then, I could get some feedback on my guess that breathing would help this meeting become more engaged, so that decisions could be made and the meeting could end.

I knew one of the talkers really well, so I thought I could start with him.

I slowed my breath to match his. Then, I noticed that he was indeed breathing, just very shallowly. I matched his breath for a minute. When there was a pause in the conversation, I took a big breath. He followed me with a big breath. The other two people in the conversation took a big breath shortly after.

A guy down the table yawned.

Somebody paused to tell a joke! I certainly didn't expect that.

The conversation returned to the meeting topic. At the next pause, I took a big breath. This time, I returned my breath to a deeper breathing pattern that matched the speed, but not the shallowness, of the colleague I knew well. Sure enough, he followed me.

The other people in the conversation followed shortly after.

And somebody else told another joke!

After we all finished laughing, I returned my breath to an even deeper breath. Those in the main conversation followed.

The group made the decision it had been dancing around for the entire meeting, and the meeting ended 5 minutes later. Was it really as easy as adding some breath into the meeting?

I asked around for some feedback about the difference between the beginning and the ending of the meeting.

One person told me that the meeting had ended when the colleague I knew well had finally taken control of the meeting.

Another person told me that they were relieved when the 3 main decision makers finally got around to the topic at hand.

Someone else said that he thought the jokes brought a "breath of fresh air" and helped refocus everyone so we could get down to business.